Okay, so, this is gonna be hot and heavy and filled with snarky, negative, dark remarks because as I’m writing this, I’m in a very bad place. So here goes… A warning, the following is depressive and full of cussing. If you want to skip all the bullshit, just go to the last paragraph to see the update about the blog.

Our house is in foreclosure. To not get kicked out onto the street, we have to pay $5,000 plus a bunch of fees. My mom hired a lawyer to stop this, but we have to pay him $400 a month. The house is in my grandmother’s name, who passed away about two years ago. She didn’t leave a will.

I’m disabled and unable to work. I get $700 a month.

My mom was in a car accident at the beginning of the year and it left her really fucked up. She’s not supposed to be working, but she has to. She’s currently in a lawsuit against the fucker that hit her, but since he’s now in hiding, the case is at a standstill. She gets paid twice a month and gets $200-400 depending on how much she works. I get food stamps on the 16th for $100.

The cable bill, aka my internet, keeps getting fees added to it that shouldn’t be and they refuse to fix it. We now have to pay $400 to stop it from getting turned off. The light bill is $500.

We have 11 cats, three dogs & a bearded dragon. Most leftover money, if any, goes to getting food for them. And yes, I know you’re thinking that we should give them away, but they are the only interaction I have. I can’t leave my house because of my anxiety and I have no friends – the cats are literally the only socialization I have and they help to keep me going.

I’ve given up my phone and shut off all game subscriptions. The internet and video games are the only things that keep my anxiety and panic attacks at bay.

There’s currently no food in the house. We don’t even have ramen.

The water heater just exploded this morning, shutting our water off. Her son managed to fix it, but we no longer have hot water. The plumbing in this old ass house is fucked – we don’t have a washer and dryer because the plumbing has to be replaced. The electrical outlets always spark when you plug something in. We have to hand wash our clothes in the sink. The central air conditioner doesn’t work because the ducts and the unit have to be replaced. We have to use fans and a wall unit in the living room, which we both sleep in.

My mom has that useless insurance that you have to spend over a certain amount before they will cover anything. Just to walk in the door at one doctor is $100, the other is $300 plus her pain medication.

My doctor, I have to see every three months for my medication, and it’s $80 bucks just to walk in the door. They pay for most of my meds, but we do still have to pay $1-5 bucks depending on which one.

The only games I can play is the Sims 4 and Minecraft, but because the sims is through Origin, if the internet goes down, I’ll only have Minecraft.

My depression is at an all-time low and I honestly just want to die. I know all of this is my fault. If I hadn’t been such a pussy and dropped out of school because I was scared, I could have got a degree and a fucking job and actually contributed rather than been a lazy waste of space that can’t even get a job.

And yes, I understand that there are people out there that are worse off than us, but that doesn’t make our hardships any less valid.

People keep saying life gets better, you just have to wait, believe.

I’m fucking sorry, but it’s been 25 years and life has only continued to decline. We are both at the end of our rope and we don’t have anywhere to turn or anyone to turn to. We don’t have a family, just a bunch of assholes that only come around when they want something. We’ve both tried GoFundMe and facebook, but not a single person was willing to help.

We’re reaching the edge of the cliff and there’s only one way out.

As for the blog, I won’t be updating or posting here for a while. I don’t know if and when the internet will go down, so I don’t know when I will be returning.